Sugar&Spice

I’ve been blessed by everyone’s love and kindness that I’ve become dependent upon it… I’ve lost sight of who’s really important because I got too close and because of that, just like Icarus, I’m falling. I’m scared of change, I’m scared of judgement, most of all I’m just scared to be alone. You know, there was a time when I pretended a lot. I would close my eyes right before I went to school and pretended to be a hardass. I would pretend that words and people couldn’t hurt me. I smiled and pretended. 

At first, it was because I was scared of people getting to know me so I built walls that were the size of Mt. Everest if not higher and dressed in ways that would make me look angry. I thought that defense would protect me. I’ve seen what people can do, how they betray people and each other. When in reality all I wanted to do was dress in skirts and dresses, smile effortlessly because I’m genuinely being myself. I think it’s because of that that cracks began to show through. Friends began to permeate through those defenses and suddenly I was stripped down to just myself. But everyone would just smile at me and call me forward. I was bathed in their sweet quietness that my life was gently being changed without me even noticing. I’m happy. Now that I’m so drunken on it, I can’t see my life without it.

But love is a funny thing, the way you can love a person one way but love the other another way. It’s definitely infinite because you can love multiple persons and still have enough to go around. Love is complicated and it takes compromises. It takes a lot work and dedication, sometimes you won’t see eye to eye, but that just means you have different opinions. I’m not perfect at it because I can barely hold onto two people that I really care about let alone be preaching about what ‘love’ is. I messed up and I don’t even have the guts to apologize to him directly because I’m scared he’ll judge me. I love him dearly as a friend and I tried my best to make things work… I’m such a coward.

He deserves better than me, any girl would be lucky to have him and I want to wish for his happiness. He’s given me hope and happiness that I’ve never really experienced before. My list of dreams and aspirations are being achieved because he’s never known to say ‘no’ to life. He’s taken me on this wild journey that I was too hesitant to take, but he took my hand in his and whisked me off my feet. I wish he could see that about himself, how he changes people. It’s his superpower. :) He’s got that charm about him that makes you want to smile when you’re around him, if only he saw that he could change the world if wanted to… He deserves all the joy in the world.

If I had one wish to make, that would be it.

Signed,
Me